Most of us think of ourselves as kind people. We try to be generous, considerate, and caring toward others. We help when we can, offer encouragement, and do our best to treat people with compassion.
But here’s a question we don’t often ask ourselves:
Are you as kind to yourself as you are to others?
Kindness is more than simply being nice. It’s a way of approaching life with generosity, understanding, and genuine concern, without expecting anything in return.
We express kindness in many ways:
- Kind actions: Helping someone, sharing what we have, holding a door open, or giving someone our full attention.
- Kind words: Offering compliments, encouragement, and support.
- Kind thoughts: Practicing patience, understanding, and compassion instead of judgment.
The Dalai Lama reminds us:
“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.”
But does that include being kind to ourselves?
How Do You Treat Yourself When You Make a Mistake?
Think about the last time you did something you wished you hadn’t.
Maybe you said something you regret, forgot something important, didn’t follow through on a commitment, or ate three pieces of cake when you intended to have one.
What did you say to yourself? Was it something like:
- “What’s wrong with you?”
- “You have no self-control.”
- “You’re so stupid.”
- “You should know better by now.”
Would you ever speak to someone you love that way? Yet many of us talk to ourselves like this all the time, often without even realizing it.
We’ve been taught that being hard on ourselves is how we become better people.
We believe that if we criticize ourselves enough, we’ll finally change. We’ll be more disciplined, make better choices, and become the person we think we should be.
I certainly believe that for much of my life. I thought judging myself was necessary for improvement.
But I’ve come to question that belief.
If harsh self-criticism really worked, wouldn’t we all be living the lives we want by now?
Has being hard on yourself actually given you the peace, happiness, and change you’re looking for? My experience has shown me that it doesn’t work.
Louise Hay expressed this beautifully:
“You have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”
Are You Withholding Love from Yourself and Calling It Motivation?
Think about how often we make self-acceptance conditional.
I’ll be kinder to myself when I lose weight.
I’ll love myself when I’m less anxious.
I’ll accept myself when I achieve this goal.
I’ll feel good about myself when I stop making mistakes.
But what about right now? Nicole Sachs asked this question in one of our classes and really touched me.
While you’re waiting to become someone you think is worthy of love, how are you treating the person who’s trying?
What if we have it backward? What if kindness isn’t something we earn after we’ve improved?
What if kindness is what helps us grow?
The Indian spiritual master Swami Kripalvananda, affectionately known as Bapuji, shared a beautiful teaching:
My beloved child,
break your heart no longer.
Each time you judge yourself
you break your own heart.
You stop feeding on the love,
which is the wellspring of your vitality.
The time has come, your time
To live, to celebrate…
and to see the goodness that you are…
Let no one, no thing, no idea or ideal obstruct you
If one comes, even in the name of “Truth”,
forgive it for its unknowing
Do not fight
Let go
And breathe – into the goodness that you are.
He invites us to let go of judgment, stop fighting ourselves, and recognize the goodness that is already within us.
I find this message deeply moving. When we continually criticize ourselves, we disconnect from the love, peace, and vitality that are naturally available to us.
Instead of motivating us, harsh self-judgment can keep us caught in cycles of stress, shame, and frustration.
We cannot criticize ourselves into a loving relationship with ourselves.
Why Are We So Hard on Ourselves?
We didn’t come into this world believing we weren’t good enough.
Over time, through our families, schools, relationships, and society, many of us learned that mistakes were something to be ashamed of and that being hard on ourselves was necessary for success.
We absorbed the idea that we had to earn our worthiness. Eventually, that critical voice became so familiar that we mistook it for the truth.
But it isn’t the truth. It’s a learned pattern. It’s not your fault but you have the privilege and the responsibility for the way you handle this going forward.
We don’t need to blame ourselves for developing these habits. But once we become aware of them, we have the opportunity to choose something different.
We can stop fighting ourselves and begin treating ourselves with kindness.
This doesn’t mean ignoring our mistakes, avoiding responsibility, or pretending everything we do is wonderful.
We can take responsibility for how we treat ourselves going forward, not through more criticism, but through awareness, kindness, and compassion. And that awareness is the first step toward healing.
How I’m Learning to Be Kinder to Myself
I’ve understood the importance of self-love for many years. Yet I still catch myself being critical, judging my choices, or thinking I should be doing better.
Knowing something intellectually and actually living it are two different things.
Recently, I’ve been approaching these moments differently.
Instead of trying to fix myself or become someone I can finally love and accept, I’m practicing something much simpler.
I pause. I take a breath. And I allow myself to be exactly as I am in that moment.
I notice the uncomfortable feeling without trying to push it away.
Maybe I’m disappointed, frustrated, embarrassed, or angry with myself.
Rather than judging those feelings or trying to make them disappear, I allow them to be there.
This is a form of radical acceptance—meeting the present moment as it is, without fighting against it.
I remind myself that self-criticism is a habit I’ve practiced for much of my life. It’s familiar, but I now recognize that it isn’t helping me.
Instead of criticizing myself for being critical, I bring kindness to the part of me that’s struggling.
That part of me doesn’t need another lecture. It needs love and understanding.
Here’s a Simple Example
Let’s say I eat two pieces of cake when I only intended to have one.
My old habit might be to get angry with myself.
“Why did you do that? You know better. You have no self-control.”
But now I’m practicing a different response.
I pause, take a breath, and gently say to myself:
“You’re okay. I’m here with you. I love you no matter what.”
I let myself feel the disappointment without making it mean something bad about who I am.
I notice that when I stop fighting myself, my body begins to soften. My breathing slows, the tension eases, and I feel more peaceful.
This gentle approach helps calm the stress response and puts us into our natural rest-and-restore state.
And then something interesting happens. When I’m no longer caught up in judging myself, I have more room to become curious.
Eating an extra piece of cake doesn’t make me bad. It makes me human.
And perhaps the part of me that feels so bad about it is the part that needs kindness the most.
I can be at peace with myself even if I ate the cake. What a concept!
I can accept myself right now and that loving kindness will help me make a different choice next time. That’s the freedom kindness gives us.
A Simple Practice for Being Kinder to Yourself
The next time you notice yourself being critical, try this:
1. Pause and breathe.
Before reacting to the critical voice, take a slow, gentle breath. Give yourself a moment to notice what’s happening.
2. Notice the judgment.
Become aware of what you’re saying to yourself. You don’t need to stop the thought or criticize yourself for having it. Simply notice it.
3. Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling.
Maybe it’s shame, disappointment, anger, or sadness. See if you can allow the feeling to be there without trying to fix it or push it away.
4. Offer yourself kindness.
Place a hand over your heart if that feels comfortable and say something gentle:
“It’s okay. I allow myself to be imperfect.
“I forgive myself, and if I cannot forgive myself now it is my intention to forgive myself sometime in the future.“
“I’m allow myself to make mistakes”
“Who would I be if I didn’t believe there was something wrong with me”
Choose words that feel comforting and believable to you.
5. Remember that you are human just like everyone else.
You don’t need to punish yourself for what happened. You can be kind and that will help you. make a new choice when you’re ready.
Kindness Is a Practice, Not Another Thing to Get Right
Learning to be kind to ourselves doesn’t happen overnight.
Many of us have spent decades practicing self-judgment. It’s understandable that the critical voice will continue to show up.
I still catch myself doing it.
But now, instead of getting upset with myself for being critical, I try to meet that part of me with a little more understanding.
Some days it’s easier than others. And that’s okay, too. We don’t have to be perfectly kind to ourselves. That would just become another impossible standard to live up to.
Even a small moment of kindness can begin to change our relationship with ourselves.
Every time we pause instead of criticize, soften instead of fight, or offer understanding instead of judgment, we’re practicing a new way of being.
Over time, these small moments can help us feel more peaceful, more accepting, and more at home in ourselves.
And perhaps that’s where kindness really begins. Not by becoming a better version of ourselves, but with learning to love the person we already are.
You deserve your own kindness, too.
” Set the intention to talk to yourself with the same kindness you offer someone you love and see what happens.”
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